You know why I don’t sound like I’m from the city? Because I actually read…You know why I got straight As in school and you didn’t? Because I’m smarter than you…
You know why you feel dumb during a conversation with me? Because you are… and-I-don’t-have-the-time-to-speak-as-slow-ly-to-you-as-you-need-me-to…
Are you mad yet? You should be. How dare I say such things to you and make you feel bad about yourself because we’re different? Well, similar statements have been said to me by people who have accused me of “acting White” and “doing too much”.
“You think you’re so smart…” “You always gotta do better than everyone else. I hate you… bitch…”
“You can’t just talk regular?” “You need to learn to speak in laymen’s terms…” “Don’t correct my English…”
“Don’t nobody care what you’re mixed with…”
It frustrates me when people ask me, “Why can’t you just say what you mean?” Obviously, I am saying what I mean. You are just not understanding and I can re-word it if need be. All you have to do is ask me to instead of being a smartass…
I have heard these things from “friends”, family, and associates, all of whom would’ve had a serious attitude if I’d retorted with something about them being “fake” or “ghetto”. The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a load of shit. Some words can do more damage than any weapon because, even when physical scars heal, emotional ones last.
For eXample, some time last year someone close to me told me that I was “too deep” and needed to learn to speak in laymen’s terms, which I take to mean as plain, general words that any 4th grader can understand. I was further told that when I'm with professionals, I should speak proper, but I have to learn to basically "kick it with the homies" when I'm with "the homies". I thought about that for a while and it hurt my feelings so badly that I cried on the phone to my mom. Those words basically cut open scars I had acquired during school and reminded me that being me and speaking the way I speak just wasn’t good enough. It made me feel like I needed to wear a mask or “dumb it down” just so that the people around me could understand. My mother told me not to let anyone make me feel like being me wasn’t good enough and that I should not have to lower my speech or myself for anyone who doesn’t want to accept the opportunity to come up to my level.
Granted, if I am interacting with children, I am not going to use words like “idiosyncrasy” to them. But, why should I limit my vocabulary when interacting with adults? It frustrates me when people ask me, “Why can’t you just say what you mean?” Obviously, I am saying what I mean. You are just not understanding and I can re-word it if need be. All you have to do is ask me to instead of being a smartass.
I think my language issue stems from the fact that, unlike some of my friends who were raised in the county and found themselves under attack after moving into the city, I was born and raised in Baltimore City. Park Heights. 25th Street. North Avenue. White Lock. Mondawmin. Since 1987. But, because I have an untraceable “accent” and mannerisms that don’t make me seem “urban” enough, everyone around me, including cousins and classmates, seemed way different than I did up until high school.
The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a load of shit. Some words can do more damage than any weapon because, even when physical scars heal, emotional ones last…
In high school, I was still aware that I was “different”, but my classes were filled with more diverse students. Somewhere around the start of my senior year, I ventured away from my clique of “friends” and really started to talk to any and every one. That’s when I started to admit how much I loved Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”, which, at the time, was the theme song to my favorite show, “One Tree Hill”. (*Side note: I still watch new episodes religiously every Monday night.) Up until then, I had secretly enjoyed all kinds of music, but my White peers were as shocked to learn that I liked Maroon 5 as my Black peers were to learn that I knew all the words to Ja Rule, 50 Cent, and Jay-Z’s most recent albums.
So, for a long time I have been caught in-between being myself and being a middle-school educated version of myself. Actually, I can’t even say that because in middle school I was winning oratory contests, taking summer writing workshops through Johns Hopkins, and acting as a youth ambassador and tour guide to any official or media outlet visiting my school. What can I say? I've always been a word nerd. I read everything from books to cereal boxes to shampoo bottles. I don’t always remember what methylchloroisothiazolinone does, but if I’m ever on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” and they ask what product it’s in, I’ll know the answer! (*Side note: It’s an antifungal/antibacterial-esque preservative.) I just love words. My vocabulary isn't nearly as eXtensive as it could be, but it is compared to many of the people I interacted with growing up and some of the people I interact with nowadays.
I will admit, it gets lonely at times feeling like I don't belong in my own family or growing up feeling like I didn’t fit in with any of my friends, but I can't pretend to be any more "hood" with my cousins on one side than I can pretend to be a “social butterfly” with my cousins on the other side. Despite my theater background, I am no longer interested in winning an Academy Award for playing “Bandwagon City Girl”.
One of our journalists said it best: “‘You talk so proper and White.’ Why can't I just talk like I am educated?...”
***Have you ever been accused of "acting White" or not being "Black enough"? What about "acting Black" or "acting American" and not embracing your own heritage? How do you think we can begin to change perspectives on speech and mannerism in our communities? What stigmas have you eXperienced? Email your input to westcoasteditor@eXcapethematriX.com.
***The Stigma: “Acting White”, Using “Big Words”, and Other Reasons Why I’m Better Than You
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com
